guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
