This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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