I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
