Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
honey bunches of taint.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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