Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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