You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
