Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
