Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
