i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
