Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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