its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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