I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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