Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
