I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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