Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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