I am puke
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
