So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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