where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
