She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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