I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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