I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
