Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
