life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
