I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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