I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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