Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
