Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
