Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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