you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
