I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
