As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
