Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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