One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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