dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
