Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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