we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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