My underwear smells like fireworks.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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