Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
