Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
