i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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