saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
