if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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