Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
