boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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