you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
