she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
