Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I puked a lego.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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