Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Randomize
