i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
