you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
