I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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